Monday, February 27, 2017

Why I quit baking?

If you've been following me from the beginning, or maybe in the past few years, or maybe you are my follower in Instagram, you should have known that I bake for living. It all started 7 years ago when I baked for fun then orders kept coming in and the next thing I know, I started to bake to earn some money!

Of course things didn't go smoothly all the time. There were numerous hiccups along the way: cakes collapsed, underbaked cakes, Farish got sick, I got sick, forgotten order, wrong design/colour, I mean, I am still human right? I had to sacrifice a lot to. No more weekends, no more holiday with family, no more quality time with Farish. I lose my temper easily, the victims? Of course my husband and my son.

It broke my heart every time I see them. I am the wife, I am the mother, what have I done?

I was not happy. I was constantly complaining. I was tired. I was longing for more sleep. House was unkempt. I was stressed, all day.

It all went 'okay' before we had Farish. When Farish came in our lives, before I started working, I tried to baked during the day. Just so that I focus on the rest of the house chores at night, and sleep! Then when he became older, as months went by, it was not easy to handle him when I was away to bake. I suspected he was seeking for an attention. I mean, he was only 1yr++? Then I stopped baking during the day and baked at night. I sacrificed my sleep, but I was exhausted too from the house chores and all. 

Then I started working full time, I had an early night and woke up around 3 or 4 am to bake. It went on for a month before I couldn't handle it anymore. Then I baked after Farish fall asleep, but I had to sleep late as well.

Why do I have to choose this way? No, this is not what it supposed to be. I can never reverse back moments of me and Farish, and my husband too. 

Then, I stop baking. I tried for a week, and I was happy! Though my bank account doesn't agree with me, but Lillahi ta'ala. I know Allah Listens, Allah (ﷻ) is Al-Razzaaq: The Provider, The Providence, The Supplier, The Bestower of Sustenance. And I should not worry.

Tuesday, January 03, 2017

Thank you 2016

Hello 2017!

Its been awhile, I know. Too long actually.
I went 'missing' for the whole 2016! Didn't realized that until now.
What used to be my favourite place to rant, became the last place for me to even had a glimpse. 
I miss writing, I really do.
And I miss reading too.

Well, let's just hope 2017 will be a good year, that I can fill in the blank pages.
Its good to have a memory 'virtually'.
I have poor memory, hence looking back at the old corny posts somehow brought me back to where I were. 
Young, jovial and expressible.
I miss 'then'. But looking forward for 'now'.

Thank you 2016.

Thursday, May 07, 2015

10 things I wished people tell me during my confinement.

Well, obviously my confinement ended ages months ago, but I thought I should share something here, as a reminder, for me or you.

I did not hire any confinement lady. My mom took care of me for a week, then she went back to Sabah as my grandmother was not well. So my mother in law took over, and also my other grandmother who stayed with us. 

Having three ladies in a house when you just had a baby, your first baby, was........... daunting!

Confinement lady #1: My mom, was great! Being an ex-nurse, she doesn't believed in all confinement myth and voodoo. I can eat anything, I even had a sip of a iced cold sugar cane juice during the first week. Haha. Only that I wasn't allowed to switched on the fan, only air conditioner.

Confinement lady #2: My mother in law. She took over when mom went back to Dhaka on the 2nd week. She believed in all the confinement voodoo, but respect our decision to not following any of that. Obe was outspoken with his believe and tell his mom on what and not to do for me. She stayed until the 3rd week. She was great too! She always prepared my food and helped me with the baby. She cleanse the house, folded our clothes and whats not.

Then, she went back to Kerteh and I was left with my...

Confinement lady #3: The grandmother! Hahaha! Let me just tell you that living with an elderly during your confinement was very unpleasant. You cannot do this, you cannot do that. You should do this, you should do that. And the fact that she was old, I got a pang of guilt whenever she had to do the house chores. Not that much anyway, because I insisted on doing it myself. So I ended up cooking and washing and cleaning all by myself after the third week (my mother in law went back at 20th days anyway).

Despite all the research beforehand, preparing mentally for the motherhood, I ended up being miserable and so depressed that I cried almost everyday! He was not an easy baby back then. He doesn't sleep that much after a feed, he cried for more milk, he wanted to suck my nipple 24/7, he napped for 15minutes only, he cried whenever I leaved him for bathroom, prayers or to eat. He just like to cry T_T Such a screamer! 

So as a reminder, here is 10 things I think people should tell me during my confinement;

  1. That motherhood doesn't comes easily post labour. Ahaha! That was scary. For two weeks, I just blankly stared at him, 'This is it? This?'. I had never envisioned myself as a mother, I couldn't hold a newborn, scared to death I might hurt the fragile baby. With Farish, I just need some time to digest everything. 
  2. Breastfeeding is painful. Whoaaa, I don't want to even remember it. Let's just say, one milk blister and four plugged duct were more than enough to made me miserable.
  3. Babies are different. Like seriously, no babies are alike! You can applied one method to one baby, but it doesn't mean that can be apply to my baby as well.
  4. Pantang makan is for you to get back in shape not pantang as in you cannot eat that telur nanti luka gatal -_- . My bad, I was too paranoid I had no milk, and the myth of don't breastfeed with empty tummy nanti baby kena colic, I ate rice more than I usually do in a day. I even ate rice at 3am! Breastfeeding made me hungry all the time I just felt like a hungry gorilla! I ended up of losing only 4kg at the end of my confinement.
  5. Bengkung is a must! I did not wear it religiously back then. I had to wear it all by myself (so how tight can it be?), it was such a hassle for me, I peed a lot (every 30 minutes), then it got loose, and my hu ha sweat a lot and it got itchy. 
  6. You can get water retention or gemuk air post labour. And that is how bengkung is crucial for you. 
  7. Mengempeng. Some babies are really obsessed with your breast bahaha!
  8. You should get a final last fitting of your nursing bra in the last week of your pregnancy. I couldn't fit into most of my nursing bra. My boobs hurt and an ill fitting bra was the last thing I ever wanted T_T I went bra-less for the first few week.
  9. Start pumping earlier if you need to build milk stash in your freezer. I started pumping a week before I was scheduled to start working. Wasn't able to pump earlier as I had nipple trauma.
  10. It is ok to let go of your newborn baby to your mom, mother in law, siblings, grandmother etc. They are here to help you and you need that extra  support system to be sane ;) 

Saturday, March 14, 2015


Can't believe this is my first post of 2015. Well, almost 3 months after. Plus another one month from the missing December. I've lost my writing voodoo. So sad as this was my favourite medium, once. Now with Instagram, blogging is just sooooooo outdated. Haha.

What's new?

Well the little guy is 6 months now. Approaching 7 in 2 weeks time, yikes! Why time flies so fast? I am still adjusting with motherhood, playing baton run with Obe running the house errands whilst taking care of our 24++ cats!

Everyday is a new day for us and I learned how to really let go of few things; dirty dishes in the sink, spilled milk on the floor, messy home, piling up laundry, smelly cats' house ughhhh. Since I am still breastfeeding my boy, I literally had him hanging on my boobs almost every hour! So few things really need to wait until the weekend.

Oh am still student, wohooooo bila entah nak grad. Please pray I can submit my thesis this final last semester :( Amin. Baking business still doing good. But I really have to control my orders as I need time for the thesis as well.

And Obe is growing just fine *smirk*.

Monday, November 24, 2014


Obe was browsing through his precious external hard disk the other day. The one with thousands (or millions?) of photos from our dating time. And as we browse through it brings back so many memories, be it sweet or bitter.

Those days when we were young. And THIN!

Oh my god, where were our fat back then? Now I cannot stop expanding T_T

Those days when I wasn't in hijab yet, it was way too sexy T_T Patut la Obe tergila gila hahaha.

Things were perfect back then. And now even more with Farish's around.
Tapi still nak kurus macam dulu. Even Obe cakap he don't like me that thin tapi I was confident back then. 

The three of us.
Alhamdulillah for that.

Tuesday, November 04, 2014

The pregnancy in summary

I know this is a bit overdue. Who shares story on pregnancy after their labor kan? Haha. But since I have this short term memory, I think its better for me to at least write something down, which might came handy for the next baby?

Before pregnancy

I had another surgery on May 2013. Another cysts removal and ovarian drilling before starting off our treatment on getting pregnant. We tried to do it alternatively for a year and finally deciding its time when Obe's financial was getting stable. The operation this time left visible scars than before, most probably because I went to a different doctor this time. Not that he wasn't good or apa, but he had less experiences and skills than the previous.

I kinda rest after the surgery, no heavy exercise etc and my weight went up! Hiks. Not helping when actually you had a broken scale at home that tells you were 5kg lighter than the actual!

Remember when I told you this is a precious pregnancy? So precious we actually conceived it via IUI on our first attempt, Alhamdulillah. After considering all the prices, we actually went to a gov subsidised clinic, Klinik Nur Sejahtera under LPPKN. Because deep down I knew it all came from Allah, private or government, when Allah said it is not time yet, then its not. We went there on Oct 2013 and was scheduled for an IUI on early Dec. I even went to Penang with a cooler box to store my medicines!

I did an urine test a day after Christmas and oh boy, I was pregnant! The long awaited pee stick!

The first trimester

I didn't puke all day long but the nauseous came all day mostly towards late evening. Puke once in the evening, and another one or two at night. Did not had that big appetite like other pregnant mothers (this last until delivery), feeling lowsy and dreaded to go to UTM every morning. So I ended up sleeping like a whale until late afternoon. Took a longer nap after lunch then bangun duduk kat garden watching the cats.

I had few bleeding in the first few weeks, changed my obs few times until I met Dr. Tokha. He gave me three jabs for three weeks and few medicines untuk kuatkan rahim. I also got sick most of the time throught out the 1st trimester. Fever, flu and cough attacked alternately every week.

And I had skin problem especially in the lower limbs. My legs became so dry and coarse. Black patches appeared all over it including my hip area. And itchy too. Went to my skin specialist and he gave me some cream to put on. And when at times I became so lazy to do it, Obe would volunteered, oh thanks Darling. 

I was never fond of pickles/jeruk or asam. And never did during this pregnancy. But my love for sweet desserts were completely killed by the pregnancy. I can no longer eat chocolates (the worst!), cakes, ice cream etc T_T Didn't gain weight or lose any pun. My weight went static thank god.

Emotion-wise, so far ok. No drama jam 4 dengan Obe so, ok la kot.

The 2nd trimester

Weight increased up to 8kg by this time. Doesn't feel sluggish like what I'd experienced during the first and so I was back to being active like before. Get the occasional leg cramps at night and everytime I did, I'd gobbled down few calcium pills the morning after. Also experienced yeast infection in my vagina errr. Got 5 days supply of medicines to be inserted to ehem, there.

The 3rd trimester

Still active. Didn't feel that heavy until the final last weeks. Got another yeast infection and slightly worst so the doctor advised me to take yogurt everyday as frequent as I can. I ended up eating 2 tubs per day. The scary stretchmark finally came at 37th weeks, the skin must be stretching too much by now nasib baik beranak awal boleh reduce the chance of getting it worst. I literally smothered myself in various lotions. My remedies were;

  • Palmers stretchmark lotion
  • Safi olive oil
  • Palmers itchy oil
  • Mama's body lotion (a korea lotion Obe bought for me)
 As per weight erm, pre pregnancy weight was 57kg (remember the weight scale story? I thought I was 53!! Damn you weight scale. If only I knew memang dah exercise. No wonder I couldn't fit into my jeans anymore!). It went up to 71.4kg on the last day. Weehooo my first 7 series weight! Oh bummer.

Currently at 2 and a half months postpartum, I am at 64kg. Long way to go my dear. Lets do this!

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

The birth story: Farish Isaac

And so they say it was an easy and quick labour.


Still painful you know!

I didn't know when did I start dilated. All I knew was I started to get contraction pretty early. As early as 28 weeks. I knew it was braxton hicks, the 'training' contraction or false alarm. But this one time suddenly it get pretty painful. Macam kena potong perut. But I was still at 30wks. It came few times and Mom told me to rest, bedrest specifically.

Because I just got back driving alone from Kerteh to JB! Haha. Obe was in another car as we need to brought back 2 cars to JB. The contraction came pretty regular but I just assured if takde show, pain or consistent interval then takpelah.

34 weeks

I had pretty bad perut memulas kinda thing. Macam twice in a day for 3 days. Didn't know if it was a sign, so masa first time sakit memulas I went to the toilet and push as hard as I can sampai stool keluar. But nothing came out! And the memulas came more stronger! I cried, alone dalam toilet because it was excruciating painful! And suddenly my tummy moves, Wohoooo the baby just moved himself macam nak keluar and I was shocked! I stood up immediately and wonder aku nak beranak ke?

Whatsapp my sister in law (Obe's sister) and explain everything. Asked her how does contraction feels? She told me don't ever teran dalam toilet nanti baby keluar! Definitely nak bersalin rasa macam tu. What? -_-

The memulas happened again few times but this time I managed to hold until memang betul2 ada stool baru lari toilet. I always got runny stool almost like tercirit during pregnancy so imagine la macam mana nak lari when the alarm comes?

36 weeks

Went to KL. Weehoooo! Without Mom's permission, was pretty sure she won't let me so senyap senyap we all pergi since Obe's brother held a party for his son's 1st birthday. And I have more reasons to shop! Arrived on Saturday and later at night went to A&E Tropicana Medical Centre because the baby moved less that day.

Alhamdulillah the result from CTG went well.

37 weeks

Contraction came pretty regular but not painful. Upon review I was shocked when the doctor told me I only had 5cm of amniotic fluid left, the borderline. But he told me to hold at least until 38th weeks, then by hook or by crook, he had to induce me if I am far from labor.

He gave me 26th August.

"But my mom balik on 30th" *sad face*

Hahahaha! I was pretty sure he almost shook his head.

"That is a social reason, you know" In his deep voice.


I was told to monitor the contraction and baby movement regularly. And I rest most of the time baring kira movement. We won't sit still until it was 10. As for the contraction, I just keep on timing them. Banyak aje interval 6 to 10 minutes, but it weren't painful and there was no show so we just let it be as long as the baby moves.

There were 2 times (/day) when the contraction came really strong, I had trouble getting up to the toilet for the early morning pee. Contractions were 6 minutes apart. Painful but it was bloody 5am I fall asleep obviously timing it haha.

I did asked for few opinions on the water. Mom was worried at first but she knew the doctor knew what's best for me and the baby. But she preferred a natural birth instead of inducing the little one to coax him out.

Dama: 5 is quite low Shaleen! Are you sure your doc don't want to induce you?

38 weeks, Tuesday, 26th August 2014

Knowing it might be the day, feeling overwhelmed, we woke up early and get ready, went to the hospital to get the number, off to Mamak for breakfast, went back to hospital for CTG and wait for the doctor.

He did a VE. 4cm!

Wow. That's impressing.

He did some sweep and asked me to teran as strong as I can as if I'm about to pass motion. Whoa, that's hurt. He showed me his glove covered in blood and say;

"Its going to be an easy and quick labor. Siang you bersalin"

"Oh? Besok siang?"

"Petang ni!"

*smack face*

It was 12.30pm and in a few hours nak beranak dah? For real? Nooooooooo.

"Tapi my mom sampai 10.30 malam ni" (yeah she managed to change flight)

*krik krik krik*

"Ok kalau you nak tunggu your mom, kita pecah ketuban pukul 6, so by midnight awak bersalin. Tapi kalau dia nak keluar, keluar la ye"


Went to Jusco Tebrau for lunch. Hahaha. Nak makan Nando's. Although rasa macam ala setakat 44 days confinement takat mana je mengidam makan kan. Tapi pasal pagi tu dah berangan after check up wanna do some grocery shopping before confinement starts, risau Obe beli salah barang. I mean floor cleaner dah habis. Milo dah habis. Biskut of course I need to choose myself mana nak makan kan. But the pain getting more intense there I told Obe we go straight back home after lunch and get admitted.


Reached home, had a final shower then packed everything. Salam Mama the grandmother and sempat lagi dia goreng and rebus halba for me when I told her dah start sakit pinggang.


Sampai hospital and straightaway went to the clinic. Settle all the documents and registration and was ushered to the labour room.


Finally in labour room. Sakit? Tak sakit hahaha. Hoy berlagak. I didn't know how many cm was then but the nurses keep on checking up on me and ask if I was in pain and need any pain management aka the epidural since if I need one, they need to make the call now. They put on a drip to maintain the contraction.

Hmm.. Still bearable.

I did asked Obe each time the contraction came what was the reading and try to rationalize if I can handle the intense pain later. Contraction came twice in 10 minutes, and I even dozed off a little, checking on Instagram, whatsapp-ing and whatsnot.


OMG. The pain getting more intense. I keep on asking Obe on the reading, still deciding on the epidural. He stood by me all the time, next to me and grab my hand and back. So each time the pain came I just squeeze his hand as strong as I can - well, he told me to and hey it did helped in a way. Nurse came and checking and asked me to continue breathing. Yah the breathing technique that become a joke in our family group whatsapp. Hu ha hu ha, the crazy breathing.


Contraction came twice in a minute. That's crazy. That's more than I can handle. Asked Obe to call the nurse and check my dilation. A Malay nurse came and did a VE, 6.5cm. Hah? But I need my epidural! No epidural? Please epidural, please. Told Obe to call my mom. She was scheduled to land at 6.40pm, still couldn't reach her.

We finally agreed on epidural.

But the anaest was so far from the hospital and my opening was very quick I might not able to have one if I insist. So the nurse came and discuss on another option: Pethidin. Still painful but super drowsy. Super super drowsy. Again, she assured me I was in a quick labor, I might not need one. I had a jab and went high.


The doctor came and did some VE. 8cm, good job! He broke my water bag and the pain, ya rabbi. I had the urge to poop so bad I had to kepit my legs and chants 'Tak tahan tak tahan (teran)'. Obe? Ever since I started to feel the pain and getting restless, he keep on showering me with kisses and also air zam zam which he 'jampi' a bit.

Air selusuh? I don't even get to drink my selusuh Obe made for me. Alhamdulillah few kurma dah makan when I was still smiling and happy.

Ever since then they keep on checking my vaginal opening and for crowning.


9cm. Ok 1cm more, 1cm. At times I almost kick the bed rail just to ease the pain. Its the urge to push yang tak tahan. Everything else, I don't mind. When I was told not to push (even when I'm dying to push), I feel like punching the nurses! Haha sorry. How can one tahan a giant poop meh?

"Jangan teran, nanti kepala baby bengkak!"

"Control breathing, tarik nafas, hembus. Tarik, hembus."

Seriously? What the hell was I doing the rest of the time?


Almost there. The nurses did many VEs by this time. They even helped to sweep a little bit more to speed up the opening as I only left with a little bit more on the lips. Just a teeny weeny. And they wait for the crowning.

The urge to push get so bad. Aishhhh. And I need to hold it. I did push few times pasal tak tahan (serious tak tahan), push sikit just to reduce the urge and all that went out was my amniotic fluid (or pee?).


They finally made the call. Nurses and midwives came in and prepare my bed, tools and all.


The doctor came and I did moan and said "Nak terannnnn". He came and non nonchalantly said "Hah teran lah, teran!".

Cis. Not funny.

As I was still high and drowsy, all I remembered was to just push as long as I can. We didn't attend any antenatal class and I relied mostly on the midwives to guide me. I took one deep breath and started pushing when the contraction came. I read somewhere on how to actually push;

Take one deep breath then push as long as you can. When you've lost your breath, maintain the contraction of your pelvic muscle, steal one short breath then continue pushing again.

I did that and Alhamdulillah.

I didn't know you don't have to push when the baby's head is there, it will goes out naturally. When the midwife told me to stop pushing, I was stunned a bit. 

The decision to gave birth with Dr. Tokha was the best decision ever. I was not being biased or anything, but apart from it was just 3mins drive from home under a good traffic, the doctor made our experience even better when he allowed your family to be there to witness the birth and video-recording it. Under all the pressure, Obe misplaced his Iphone somewhere but Dr. Tokha waited for him to get his phone for the video.

It was the best experience ever!

My mother in law was there. And so did Obe's aunt and his eldest daughter. There were there in the labor room and sort of hear everything. Every single thing hmmm malu. The cousin pun chickened out a bit dengar orang nak beranak kan.

The moment they put the baby on my arm after he came out was magical. My hand was shaking, my head was spinning, and there he was, in my arms. Blur, I didn't know what to do I just say "Hello Baby" and giggle a bit hahaha. Should've kiss him right away! They brought him to the next cubicle for clean up and left me with the doctor for episiotomy.

And I fall asleep while getting stitch!

When its done, they brought the baby back to me to breastfeed him, we have one hour or so before the nursery come for him. And masa ni I did experienced some nurse-macam-gomen attitude. Thought I was the only one yang perasan, rupanya Obe pun perasan. Takpelah. No biggie pun. Then they immediately changed me and wheeled me to the ward pasal ada patient lain nak masuk labor room malam tu. Ceh.

All in all, Alhamdulillah it was over. I was clueless in the beginning on what should I expect. I didn't pack my bag until 36th weeks and got panic a bit in the end tapi Obe kata, Allah akan bagi setimpal dengan apa yang kita boleh handle. Maybe it was an easy delivery for you, maybe yours were even more easier than me. All in all, Alhamdulillah. I always told Obe, its ok if I susah/sakit nak beranak as long as the baby is fine and healthy.

Here what I did which I think in a way ada tolong jugak kot;

  1. Olive oil for the first 8weeks then VCO for the rest. Liquid not capsule, every morning before breakfast then followed by 1/2 cup of delima Gulsan, diluted. Kalau tahan minyak, then takde gulsan pun takpe hihi.
  2. Being active. I don't do exercise. Takde nak briskwalking or ape because I read somewhere if  you able to maintain a healthy and active lifestyle then you don't need to exercise. I still do all the house chores except cleaning the cats' house. Gardening almost everyday, I squat a lot while gardening pasal nak cabut rumput. I totally stop gardening when I reached 9 months. By that time memang I was exhausted a bit.
  3. Fresh susu kambing almost everyday and kurma 3 biji.
  4. Air zam zam towards the end baru minum. 
  5. Bendi in the last week of pregnancy. Obe kata for jaundice. Ada orang kata for easy labor.
  6. Solat taubat, solat hajat selalu.
  7. And the usual surah to read :)
So, mari tunggu setahun lagi before pregnant lagi please!

And here, gambar Obe selfie while I was too busy handling my contraction.