And the truth..

Mari kita berbual panjang kali ini. Mungkin entri ini akan sedih. Mungkin tidak. Entah. Perlu cerita, saya rasa macam benda tak sudah nak cerita benda lain pun rasa 'unfinished'.

Four months ago when I was excited with my convocation in Penang, my Dad was diagnosed with cancer. Yet my parents didn't tell me until I'd settled everything and went through the very first day of working. All my mother said when I asked her about dad's check up result "He's ok. But his lung is not good". There was a tone that loudly said he wasn't ok in her voice.

Kakak told me that night and I decided to quit and be with my Dad. Sixteen years we weren't there for each other. Only short voice call or the once a year trip, all I had if I missed him.

The cancer was bad. So bad that it already spread to his bones, brain, glands and liver all from one source; lungs. The moment we checked on it, he was already in the last stage of cancer.

Bell's palsy. Without it we wouldn't know Dad had lived with cancer for the last 10 years!

Chemotherapy or surgery or radiotherapy was a big no-no for him. Or us. There was nothing else we could do so we opted for traditional remedies. We traveled up north to Penang for some chinese herbs, spent big amount of money on the supplements and medicines, appointment with few doctors whoever said that cancer is curable, acupuncture and also reflexology.

Whilst Mom believed in a miracle (she silently hoping the cancer would gone one day, just like that) I already prepared for the worst. I know it was hard to survived from lung cancer especially in stage four. Of course my du'a came along with it whatever the best for him.

Dad's gone certainly dug one big hole in my heart. I was the chaperon of the house. I kept all the money. I did grocery shopping. I cooked. I buy the meds. I buy Dad's food. I drove him. I did almost everything.

On that Friday morning, Mom went to work as usual so I accompanied Daddy as usual. I was siting beside him when at 11am he complained he had some difficulty in breathing. I looked at him and I thought he was ok. He asked me to call mom so I did. Mom got home. Phlegm started to obstruct his airways and started to cough so bad.

The coughing continued until late evening so we decided to brought him to the nearest hospital, Regency. New hospital, lack of facilities, we drove him to Puteri 30 minutes drive from Regency after suctions and nebulizers cause the phlegm won't go. 10.30pm we were still there, waiting for all the suctions and nebulizers again. Dad was very weak and cold. I remembered holding his hand tightly or rubbing his feet lightly, ohhhh... His condition didn't get any better so the doctor suggested we just go home and get him rest. He looked fine though. Although weak he was FINE.

Arrived home around midnight and 30 minutes later the ambulance arrived with three tong of oxygen. Dad was still weak. We cleaned him up and put him on oxygen with dextrosaline drip. He was still cold. Cold clammy skin, not a good sign. So we heated up a couple of hot pack and pat slowly on his skin. Saya ingat, abang was massaging his feet. Dad insisted on me holding his hand, ohhhh...

Around 2am my mom told me pergi amek more saline drip from Puteri so I did with Afi. Dad was still ok. Mom even called me when were on our way and Dad was still ok. Right at 3am we arrived home. Pelik. Kenapa lampu luar bukak segala? I was just about to open the gate when Abang ran outside to the gate meraung menangis bagai. What? Saya panggil Afi, the key terjatuh, Abang bukak gate, saya masuk. Tapi belum menangis. I don't know what to react. Menangis? Relieved? Kaki kanan sentuh lantai rumah only then air mata pertama gugur. Dua dua saline drip saya campak and I saw Daddy lying on his bed, not breathing.

Ya Allah!

I couldn't controlled myself at that moment. Mom hugged me, I called Obe then terus naik atas amik wudhu'.

Mummy cakap there was no sign he was about to leave us. Nazak Daddy sekejap. Dalam 15mins kot. Mummy baru nak makan nasi when she noticed Daddy diam. Rupanya breathing dia makin slow.

Two hours before that, saya solat. Qada' Maghrib dan Isya'. I prayed hard let say umur Daddy panjang, sembuhkan lah Daddy secepat mungkin. Tapi kalau ditakdirkan umur Daddy pendek, jangan seksa Daddy lagi. Cabutlah nyawa Daddy Ya Allah dalam keadaan beriman.

I had to admit ini kira doa wajib saya selepas solat. Ajal maut ditangan Tuhan. Memang kita kena berikhtiar tapi segalanya sudah tersurat bukan? Allah tahu apa yang terbaik untuk hambanya. Allah maha Mengasihi. Doa lah penuh ikhlas, yang terbaik InsyaAllah.. Tapi saya cuma macam tidak percaya, secepat itu Allah answered my prayers?

Dalam diam saya bersyukur sangat. He had suffered a lot! Sometime saya menangis masa urut Daddy. He lived with Morphine and Dormicum (sleeping tabs) and even morphine pun tak cukup kuat macam mana?? Day by day he lost weight. So much weight that I made fun with his 'extra' skin. Hehe. All he said "Ya lah, Daddy dah kurus *smile*".

Saya sedih. Hari Daddy meninggal saya pergi pharmacy. Beli expectorant for his phlegm, multivits syrup for his supplement and Tramal just in case he needs extra dosage of pain killers. Singgah beli honeydew and papaya for him too (we made him juice everyday). Tapi ohhhh...

I had a mixed feeling that day. But I felt relieved. Sangat relieved yang sangat tenang. Baca Yasin entah berapa kali. Air mata entah berapa baldi. Tisu entah berapi kati (ok nak try rhymes tapi tak jadi). Doa saya selepas Yasin sama, ampunkanlah segala dosa Daddy dan permudahkanlah segala proses pengebumian Daddy. Itu sahaja.

Alhamdullilah it all went well. Although there was a slight misunderstanding siapa yang nak uruskan jenazah (Dad wants the Malays, the Malabari claims Dad) but Abang handled it well. Before Zuhur semua selesai.

And I think that day saya paling cool. Haha. I can even made jokes with my family and laughed ok. Yang lain takde respon. Bukan apa, you just have to see how my Dad went through the past 4 months then you'll know. Dan kalau bukan kerana Allah lebih sayangkan Daddy, Dad would still be here kan? So why worry so much?

But sometime I think the way I felt then was what killing me now. I mean lagi bagus sedih-sedih awal daripada holding back until one time meletup kan? But I am lucky to have Obe ;) So I don't have to worry.

Some people asked me, wasn't there any signs he was going to leave us? Any words? No, there was none. Of course we talked about the tanah and rumah once but that's it. And Dad wished to be cremated in Sabah (I know, right?). But that was it. We were being optimistic. There was no "Kalau Daddy takde nanti......", there were always "Nanti kalau Daddy dah baik......". Daddy berak sampai empat kali the day before he died tapi sumpah tak tahu that was 'the' sign. Kami get excited although pelik siket pasal Daddy selalu constipated.

I slept with my Mom since the first night he died. Mom can't sleep alone and I can't be alone. I was the most attached with my Dad we even shared some secrets, ohhhh...

Until now, saya masih rasa lega. Tapi sedikit hiba bila tengok his meds, his clothes and the empty bed. Lega Daddy dah tak sakit tapi risau Daddy dah tiada. Betul orang kata anak adalah hadiah akhirat,

Apabila mati anak Adam, maka telah terputuslah amalannya melainkan 3 perkara ;

Sedekah Jariah, atau
Ilmu yang memunafaatkannya, atau
Anak soleh yang mendo’akan keatasnya
Benar we are not a good muslims before but manusia boleh berubah bukan? We used to recite Yasin everyday after Maghrib one month before he died, sedekah untuk bapak (the grandfather) but we never thought of reciting the Yasin now everyday this time for Dad himself. Doa anak, doa terbaik untuk ibu bapa. Sama juga doa ibu bapa untuk anaknya. Sebab itu anak yang berjaya semuanya hasil doa ibu bapa ;) Dan doa anaklah yang menyelamatkan ibu bapanya di akhirat kelak.

Saya tidak akan putus doa untuk Daddy, InsyaAllah. Pasal saya sayang Daddy :)


Shaleen minta maaf, for everything. Shaleen minta maaf kadang-kadang Daddy mintak ubat Shaleen marah. Bukan apa Shaleen takut Daddy overdose or addicted. Shaleen minta maaf kadang kadang Daddy cakap Daddy sakit, tapi Shaleen tak buat apa2. Cuma Shaleen tak tahu nak buat apa! Shaleen minta maaf kadang kadang Shaleen marah atau grumpy kalau Daddy tak nak makan or I wasn't there when you need me or I didn't hear you were calling me. Cuma kandang kadang Shaleen penat. Penat bersihkan rumah, penat masak, penat uruskan kucing and penat Mama selalu bising2 Shaleen when there was nothing I could do! Shaleen mintak maaf kalau Daddy rasa I didn't take care of you that well, if there were any flaws, I am sorry Daddy.. No matter what Daddy, I know you've changed. What past let it be because you're a new Daddy now. I know you put us above yourself in everything despite whatever that comes with it. I miss you Daddy, so much. I love you Daddy, till death. I will always pray for you and tunggu Shaleen nanti, one day we will meet again :) I love you, again (cause words weren't enough).

Love always,
your darling daughter...

ps: tahu tak pancaindera pertama dan terakhir yang Allah berikan dan tarik kepada manusia ialah pendengaran :) Sebab itu ketika nazak, lebih baik kita bercakap/doa/ucap kalimah syahadah pada si nazak.

edit: Nobody knows from Sabah Dad was sicked. He made us promised not to tell anyone including Mama (at first) dengan alasan tak mahu mintak kesian. But people started to noticed day by day he was getting weaker so we had to tell Mama before she went and tell all her relatives. Hurm. But Dad was being positive. Orang tanya ok dia kata ok. Even bila dia bedridden, Daddy bagitahu kawan he was getting better. The news of his death spread slowly in Sabah. Most couldn't believed Dad was already gone because they didn't know Dad was sick. We had to publish the news in a local newspaper and hopefully they know.


cj'alhafiz said…
hi kak....
i've no words no say...
only my condolence and doa for ur dady..
may he rest in piece..

i've been there before kak...
so...i hope u'll be ok...
yg pergi ttp pergi... semua org g kan kak..?
sabar n banyak2 berdoa ea....=)
beeRamza said…
dear akak,

entri ini sedih sangat, n yes again, beha paham wateva u felt. my daddy left me too. we both r daddy's girl in the end.

keep on praying. nnt someday maybe he'll come in ur dreams to tell u he's fine there. =)

love u.

p/s: best akak leh story pjg2 psl ni, i dun have the guts. slalu type cite pasal arwah daddy tak pnah hbs. nanges je pandai.

love u. coz words were neva enuff.
chezzem said…
Che Jo:

Hi Che Jo! Hehe. Don't worry kite ok ;) Kena redha and kuat insyaAllah lah takde pape. Eh, org msg tak reply pon! Nak gie kelantan nih..


Huhu. thanks Beha! Entah lah selagi tak cerita rasa macam lain. Mcam fake pulak nanti bile cerita benda laen so betta settlekan dulu kan? Hari tu mimpi dia, dia panggil "Shaleen!". Sumpah terus terjaga and nangis.. Adoi.. So far kiteorg sume tak penah mimpi die lagi. Except our auntie (his sister). Dia kata Daddy nampak tenang, kemas, handsome :) Loe you Beha. Jom2 datang Jb :p
Triple Girls said…
Salam takziah shaleen..and i do not know what to say..
no words rite now..
but i really hope u can get through this foor your family..
Life must go on rite..
balkeez said…
aku respect ko shaleen sbb ko sgt tabah & very optimistic. x ramai leh jd cm ko. i'm sure that he's proud of u.
btw, i realized that u cud be a great writer. ko tau nk express prasaan ko in the form of writing in which x ramai org bleh buat. kalo ko publish buku, aku org pertama yg bli. sumpah! hehe.
juz hoping that u'll have a great days ahead. muah!
chezzem said…

thank you liana ;)


hahahaha. bengong ah belle. ada ke? grammar berterabur, bahasa rojak pfft! anyway,thanks belle! jumpa nanti mase wedding nazwa eh! hehe
i've been waiting for this post for long ;)

don't worry kalau tak mimpikan arwah. orang kate, kalau kite xmimpi, means die tenang kat sane. xkacau kte, sbb die dah aman di samping Allah dan roh-roh org beriman yg lain.

akak pun boleh kira dgn jari brape kali mimpi arwah ayah dalam mase 12 tahun ni. ble die dtg, rase mcm die ade lagi dgn kte. bgn tdo je mst nanges. xpe, kte akan jumpe die lagi nnt kan?

maybe right now arwah daddy cikgu dah jumpe arwah ayah akak and cakap, "our daughters used to dance together." ;D
balkeez said…
grammar 2 blakang kire beb..haha!owh ko pg eh wedding nazwa?see u there!
Elly Elinna said…
yaay! you write back! i missed you so much since your blog was abandoned...

you are strong k.shaleen, and matured too, the way you think and believe.

elly doakan untuk ayah k.shaleen juga, insyaAllah. take care okay.

chezzem said…

ye ke?? Amin...!! Hahahaha.. "My daughter used to teach your daughter" :p


takpe. nanti aku buat satu draft bagi ko sorang bace je. ahaks.


hehe. yeah. I'd never thought of writing back but we have to move on kan? thanks elly :)
Fareenz said…

hey there..=)
sorry for ur lost.sedih sgt.
u n ur family had done your best.
im sure he will be okay up there.
dun strong dear..=)

*sure im not strong like u.i always been daddy's little girl*

FurBall said…
i cried reading this...

losing someone close to you is never easy.chin up n take care~

Al-Fatihah to those we love who aldy passed away.
chezzem said…

tq dear. don't worry, we'll be ok ;)


hehe cengeng gak mus eh? hehe. anyway, thanks mus for ur support :)
dah name pun cikgu........ ;P
FurBall said…
apakah cengeng??
Esteban Granero said…
shaleen, tough and be strong. semoga roh ayah shaleen ditempatkan di kalangan roh orang-orang beriman. al-fatihah.

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